Things That Totally Need Yelp Reviews

by Eden on December 13, 2012

Humans love complaining

So its no surprise  user review sites like have thrived simply because they never underestimated humanity’s collective desire to complain out loud.

Unfortunately, the reviews are usually limited to businesses.

So here are my pitches for things that we SHOULD be able to write a review for:


1. Boyfriend and Girlfriends

Example: James

Rating: 2 1/2 stars

Review: James is an ok guy until you do say something he disagrees with and then he’ll pretty much turn into an asshole. He’s actually decent in the bedroom but this one time he started crying and I think that scared me for life. Oh and ladies, I know he seems like a deadbeat that will never make money cause he’s in a band or whatever, keep in mind his parents invented the Easy-Bake Oven so you’ll be set for life!”

Why this needs a yelp review? For the sake of my mental, emotional, and sexual health.


2. “Friends” of Facebook

Example: Lisa (friend from 2nd Grade)

Rating: 1 star

Review: Lisa was my BFF in 2nd grade and we just stopped being friends because I switched schools. But when I friended Lisa on Facebook 20 years later….holy fuck! This chick won’t stop bitching about her first world problems like how her cockapoo got poisoned from the drinking acetone from that time she took him to the nail salon. Plus, every so often she’ll feel like she’s some sort of politian and tries to get me to sign a petition about how gay marriage should be illegal and or how global warming is an evil conspiracy or some BS like that.

Why this needs a Yelp review? Because you’re facebook feed doesn’t deserve to be littered with nonsense.

Maybe if she stopped sleeping around with Bowser….


3. Chocolate in a box of an assortment of chocolates

Example: The one shaped like a diamond with a squiggly thingy made of chocolate on top.

Rating: 0 stars

Ok, its chocolate and I’m a woman so how could I rate it one star? Well, because I thought you were filled with caramel and instead you were filled with this coconut goo and you made me gag. You don’t even get a star for being made of carbs because the fact that you made me think of something like caramel only to deliver something as gross as coconut jizz takes that star away.

Why this needs a Yelp review: Because we never know what’s really inside those chocolates. And we ought to.


4. Landlords and Tenants

Example: Landord for Apt 18

Rating: 3 stars

Review: Look, he’s not an asshole about making sure the rent is on time, BUT I do think he’s some sort of drug dealer. All sorts of packages get delivered and he’ll tell you they’re for his wife’s store on Etsy, but this guy does NOT look like he’s got a wife, or a dentist, for that matter. Yea, his teeth look creepy and even British people would think they’re messed up. He seems a major stoner so don’t expect to get your broken toilet fixed. However, random pizzas accidentally get delivered the apartment that he already paid for so that’s a plus.

Why this needs a Yelp review: Because it’s always important to know who your dealing with when it comes to property. Plus, you must know if free pizza is a possibility!


What do you think needs to be able to have Yelp reviews? Do you use Yelp often?

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

eve December 14, 2012 at 12:59 am

haha if I end up picking the coconut filled chocolate during the holidays, I may just start laughing out loud.


jack24 December 14, 2012 at 4:52 pm

teeth tht would even scare the british!! love it!!


Kaila December 15, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Omigosh. Yes. Just…yes.


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