Now that it’s “winter break” for elementary schools, this means I’m enjoying a detox from my cooking students. I was having lunch the other day, I realized some kids can really kill the dining out experience. I’d like to think that I’m actually good at handling kids (with me teaching them how to cook and all during the school year). But I’ll admit it: sometimes they make you want to drive your head through a wall — yea, even if you’re related to them.
So you can just imagine what strangers think of them.
If there are any servers reading this, before you quit your jobs, remember they’ll be gone in about 30 minutes. If not, spike their sprite/cranberry/lemonade concoction with a roofie.
Here are the five kid situations that get on my nerves:
5) The Screamer.
“Why are they screaming like they have Tourette’s syndrome?” Enough said.
If you actually have Tourette’s syndrome, continue screaming.
If they only came with a mute button or a "silent mode"....like an iphone
4) The Silent, But Deadly Kid
One second ago, they were crying bloody murder; now, you can’t get them to open their mouths for a drink order. Who knew ordering water was a torturing device used in Guantanamo Bay?
BEWARE: This situation could easily turn into a scream fest.
He's like a fart: silent, but deadly
Typical order: pizza sans sauce and sans cheese. Two seconds later, they change their order to chicken nuggets with extra fries. Once the order arrives, one of the following occurs:
- food remains untouched
- the food is sent back (a piece of parsley made its way onto the fries),
- Parents eat the food (usually the mom who is obviously dieting/starving and won’t order a real meal while her un-dressed salad isn’t making a dent in her satiety)
- the food is taken to go (i.e., their dog will eat the untouched chicken nuggets after they sit in the fridge for two days).
2) The Gamer.
I have lots of these in my cooking class. They don’t interact with anyone at the table or anyone in the restaurant, for that matter. This type of kid is “IN THE ZONE.” You can try to tickle and torture them all you want, but they won’t budge. Their gaming device costs more than what the server makes on a good night in tips and the kid’s only 10 years old. On the brightside, I’m sure he’ll have a flourishing social life.
1) The Runner.
They may or may not have ADHD, but they can’t sit still in their seats. Funny thing is, the kids in my class that DO have ADHD are actually the tame ones because their parents put them on meds to help them focus. Anyhow, they run around the restaurant like they’re Ninja Turtles (anybody remember that? Anybody? Bueller?). Flying plates, spilled food, crying children. Boom. The restaurant turns into Chuck-E-Cheese.
Look, I don’t hate kids. Well, not always. I mean, I was a kid once (even though I’d like to think I wasn’t any of these resturant culprits).
But please, parents out there: unless your kid is Stewie Griffin, take caution before you bring him to lunch.
What do you think about kids in restuarants? Should they be allowed in fancy establishments? What type of kid diner annoys you the most?