Online Dating Messages and a (Gasp) Giveaway

by Eden on September 23, 2011

Back by popular demand, I’ll be answering online dating messages from the creepers of OK cupid.

Just like the ones before, the messages I recieved are real. And I’m still single, shockingly.

I’m also giving away something at the end…so just scroll down if this part bores you. But it usually doesn’t bore. You might even pee in disbelief of these weirdos.

Let’s just get right to it:

A blow job and dinner sounds really good to me, whats wrong with that if you get the same in return.

-SleezeBall

Dear SleezeBall (not his real screen name, but I found it appropriate),

Whats wrong with that is that if I have dinner, it means I for SURE cannot swallow for this whole blow job business. Because this will mean I’ll gain weight and that would be the end of me. I’m so eating disordered that you DO NOT want me involved in a date where eating and blowing is involved. Let that be your warning.

-Eden

 

I’m new to this whole online dating thing but I’m always down to meet new people, and I love me some good food! I’m a bit of a chef myself but I’m always looking to improve my skills. Hit me up if you want to talk about cooking or go on an adventure some time.

-Adventure Guy

Dear Adventure Guy,

Every guy that can hit the “popcorn” button on the microwave thinks he’s a chef. Fillet me a whole salmon and then we’ll talk. Or go on an “adventure” or something. Dude, its 2011. Who goes on “adventures” besides Indiana Jones or Carmen San Diego?

-Eden

 

you look like 3 different girls. what’s up with that

-ConfusedDater

Dear Confused Dater,

Is cause I’m a hybrid three different people: Liza Minnelli, Harriet Tubman, and Joseph Stalin. That’s whats up.

-Eden

Yep, totally me.

 

aww you have a beautiful smile, how are you doing today??

-RoboCop

Dear RoboCop (seriously, what kind of username is that?!),

“Aww”???? I’m not a puppy you dumb dick. I’m just a bitch.

-Eden

And now to the giveaway part of the program:

As most of you know, I’m not a fan of giveaways. But since my birthday is coming up and I was offered the oppertunity from the lovely people at Nu Naturals (very nice, non-corprate company), I thought I’d give you guys a little something.

I will select FOUR people and each will be able to win:

One box of NuStevia Packets, AND one bottle of NuNaturals Vanilla Stevia Liquid. And I’m sorry, but this is for U.S. residents ONLY (don’t fret, I’ll have a giveaway of my own on my actual birthday for residents of the world! Promise!).

Since I hate that bloggers will make their readers tweet, retweet, jump through hoops, link on their blog, look at the companies website and say something lame about the company, and become little promo whores, the criteria for this will be very simple.

When and where was the last time you farted.

And add anything else you want. Tell me about your weekend, actually don’t. I don’t care. Just, say whatever.

But be honest. I always am 😉

Enter Your Mail Address

{ 83 comments… read them below or add one }

Missy September 23, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Ha! I am actually up to read this (it is 1.20 a.m).
I can’t imagine what I’d say to these online dudes – but I love your responses. And that puppy pic is so adorable!!

Last time I farted, umm, like five minutes ago. and it will get worse, because I ate plums……
A giveaway? You? And here I have been thinking of what my next one will be!! ha ha!
My weekend? It is supposed to be nice outside so I hope to do some outdoors stuff. Since I can’t drive, I walk to Sam’s Club on Saturdays (2 miles from me) and then hubby will get me and my loot and then we go get coffee and other grocery shopping. Pretty boring and lame. But then there is college football that I keep up with on Saturdays and NFL on Sundays. Yee haw, I lead the exciting life!

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Eden September 23, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Thats more exciting than MY weekend!
I’m gonna sit on my ass and watch some workout dvds (watch them, not do them). And I’ll probably pluck my eyebrows….

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Haley @ Health Freak College September 24, 2011 at 12:01 am

sooo the last time i farted was probably like an hour ago but that’s not a good story haha. last night i was watching paranormal activity with some friends and a scary part came on and i screamed and my fart came out too. but the best part…nobody heard it cause i screamed too loud! woot!

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Eden September 24, 2011 at 12:21 am

by “woot”, you mean “toot”, right?

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Ellen September 24, 2011 at 12:12 am

My bathroom, with the fan running loudly so my houseguest would not hear. Thank goodness for fans. I hate when I’m at someone’s house and I go to the bathroom and they can hear everything, leads to uncomfortable nights. Take that as you will.

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Kerryne September 24, 2011 at 12:40 am

Last night, while applying my ProTan to my ass. I know, hot right? I am competing in a Bikini Competition in oh…. 9 hours and can’t sleep so here I sit laughing out loud at your post. I had this guys once ask my why I was up so early (trying to strike up a conversation) and was obviously trying to get me to talk dirty to him because he kept saying that the reason he was “UP” so early happens every morning and its kind of a pain. Lame.

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Sasha September 24, 2011 at 12:56 am

Love your blog… It’s actually REAL and HONEST and not full of bullshit. That being said, I’m laying on my bed reading this and just farted. That was easy.

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Anne September 24, 2011 at 1:38 am

I farted about 20 mintues ago when I sat down at my computer to read some blogs!
I pretty much fart at least once an hour >.<

My weekends are the same every weekend: work work work work. I work full time and Fall term of school starts Monday which means I now have 0 full days off until Christmas Break.
I want to fart just thinking about that

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Cammy September 24, 2011 at 3:08 am

I just woke up, so I’m guessing last fart was sometime in the last 6 hours while I was unconscious. Sexy, huh?

When I tried out an online dating site I had a rule that I never responded to “winks”, just actual messages. What’s your policy on that? The irony is that I actually broke my own rule and sent a “wink” to a guy I was mildly interested in…and we’ve been dating for over 2 years now. I guess hypocrisy works out every once in a while.

Re: blow jobs and weight gain. I actually saw an estimate in a “health” magazine one time for the number of calories in the average ejaculation, I think it was about 5. And mostly protein, for any carbophobes out there… ;p

Hoping you have a great weekend and that your dad is dong well.

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Cammy September 24, 2011 at 3:08 am

*doing, damn you autocorrect

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Michelle September 24, 2011 at 4:09 am

Hahahh.. I’m sure I farted as I was getting ready this morning but I don’t remember. I do however remember farting as I ran past a large group of people the other night and being glad that 1) it was dark and they probably couldn’t see me well and 2) I was in a different neighborhood.

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Renée September 24, 2011 at 4:37 am

The last fart I recall occurred about 30 minutes ago, upon waking. (I like to reminisce about my farts like how others might look back on first laying eyes on their true love). There’s no better way to start a Saturday morning.

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Vanessa N September 24, 2011 at 4:57 am

Last fart: about 40 min. ago – approximately 20 seconds after my alarm goes off. I think it’s my body’s protest. Last story-worthy fart: last night i went to a birthday party at a diner and ate a bunch of diner food. As we were leaving, I literally farted from the diner all the way across the street to my car (silently). When we get in the car my husband says “Ha! I just farted all the way across the street!” I bet Robocop couldn’t do it!

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melissanibbles September 24, 2011 at 5:01 am

I don’t know the last time I farted. I fart a lot so there’s no point in keeping track.

I just signed up for match.com AGAIN. I will share any creepy messages with you. We’re in this together Eden!

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Ali September 24, 2011 at 5:15 am

Ha- I laughed out loud at your question- love it! I hate the “go twitter, and then like me on FB, and then go to their website, then come back to mine..bla bla bla”!
Mine was totally an SBD last night in bed with my boyfriend. Totally blamed it on the dog.
Your emails remind me of me years on match.com- it certainly is entertaining to say the least! JDATE was MUCH worse with lots of creepers wanting to get married after the first date. and trust me I’m cool but not THAT cool!
Good luck and enjoy the entertainment factor of it all! :)
Would love to win the prize!

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Rachael Ann September 24, 2011 at 5:22 am

I farted a lot yesterday!! Gas is one of my standard allergic reaction symptoms and apparently I ate something contaminated because my tummy was rumbling and exploding like a volcano that spews stinky air instead of lava.

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Claire September 24, 2011 at 5:42 am

Probably in the middle of the night last night. lol

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Jamie J. September 24, 2011 at 6:03 am

As soon as I walked in the door late last night after getting home from traveling for work. I had to ride in a rental car with two of my coworkers and of course the only concern I had was, “For the love of all things holy, don’t let me fart in this car with these people.” Four hour drive, but proud to say, I made it in my own front door.

Not sure that anything I accomplish this weekend can top that feat.

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The Delicate Place September 24, 2011 at 6:08 am

ahahaha. well you know girls don’t fart so this is an invalid question. honestly excited about getting an eyebrow wax (i don’t wear much makeup since i’m inept at putting it on and facial shrubbery grooming is something a feel only a bonsai master can entertain). also, meeting a friend for brunch at a place called meat & potatoes and i’m excited about crispy, fatty breakfast meats.

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lauri (redheadrecipes.com) September 24, 2011 at 6:18 am

The radio show I listen to did an online poll the other day about couples farting in front of each other. I was amazed (and a little sad) at how many people said they never fart in front on their spouses (both men and women were saying this!) It must suck to have to live your life in constant ‘butt cheek squeeze mode’ or get up and leave the room everytime a little toot needs to air. I toot at will.

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Rachel September 24, 2011 at 6:28 am

I eat too many veggies so I fart all the time. I used to wonder if I was abnormally gassy, but I now just consider myself a musician.

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Emily September 24, 2011 at 7:15 am

I just farted.

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Suzy September 24, 2011 at 7:15 am

Um, a couple hours ago? I woke up, figured it was just my morning toot, and realized that I needed to hit the head..pronto. Aren’t those teaser toots just annoying? Yes…toots..I have small children..so toot or poot is our terminology.
My Dad tends to use “barking spider” always made me laugh!
Found your site via Yes I want Cake…I can see I’ll be a frequent flyer here!

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Yinkee September 24, 2011 at 8:37 am

I farted during class yesterday. It was a silent killer.

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Ellie September 24, 2011 at 8:42 am

I fart probably MORE than you do Eden! haha I fart so damn much and I’m not ashamed! Whaaa?
Haha Last time I farted was probably after dinner yesterday.. I chew gum like a baseball player chews tobacco so not surprising…

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jc September 24, 2011 at 8:42 am

it was in the shower.. hhahaha

your posts are hilarious~

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Malika September 24, 2011 at 8:44 am

A few days ago and my husband and daughter made fun of me ALL DAY LONG…

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Janetha bean September 25, 2011 at 10:05 am

A few DAYS ago? That cannot be healthy. We need to get you tootin.

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Sam September 24, 2011 at 8:51 am

When I bent down to get something under my bed just now! hahahahahaha
Oh my god I can’t believe I’m telling you that… I BETTER WIN! haha

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Lindsay @ Lindsay's List September 24, 2011 at 8:51 am

right this very moment, I have my laptop in the bathroom. Reading blogs and pooping – kills two birds with one stone.
blushing now.

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Janetha bean September 25, 2011 at 10:05 am

I love you

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Lindsay @ Lindsay's List September 25, 2011 at 5:32 pm

ha! let’s just all get together and poop and fart. Foodbuzz…no…more like PoopBuzz.
now i’m super blushing.

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Doun September 24, 2011 at 8:52 am

I honestly hardly ever fart.. I’m… a… BURPER! haha so I really don’t remember…

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Jennie (the gf-gf) September 24, 2011 at 9:09 am

The last time I farted was in bed this morning. I sneezed and one slipped out.

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Janetha bean September 25, 2011 at 10:06 am

I love it when that happens!

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Missy September 24, 2011 at 9:51 am

Probably on the toilet. That’s where they happen a lot. Also when I am swimming laps.
I trap gas and so I will admit that when I fart it is like…I hear angels singing.

PS- Harriet Tubman — LOL. So random, Eden! You crack me (us) up every day. Thank you!

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Peabclickin September 24, 2011 at 10:18 am

That would be last night in the bed. My husband says I do it in my sleep. Oops! 😀

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Heather B September 24, 2011 at 10:41 am

Ha! That cracked me up, I wasn’t expecting a question like that! Last time I farted was last night in bed. I have a one year old baby though so I always blame it on him!!

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Lindsey September 24, 2011 at 10:46 am

wait for it…..wait for it….ahhh. Right. Now. Protein Farts for the win!

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Nicole G September 24, 2011 at 10:47 am

Umm, while I was doing my hair a little while ago? I need to cut back on either the egg whites, hummus, or veggies because it stanks.

Well that’s embarrassing.

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Julia September 24, 2011 at 11:31 am

These posts never fail to make me laugh.

And the last time I farted…well that was either on the plane from Shanghai to L.A. or walking from one terminal to the next in LAX or maybe even in the Delta Sky Club. Chinese food and my stomach have been at war this week.

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Nagore September 24, 2011 at 11:54 am

(I dont live in the US)
So just to know, why are you signed up at an online dating website if then you turn them off?? or are these the funny messages? some were…. weird?
This weekend I will be going to a volcano in the center of France! :)

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Carly September 24, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I’m a Canuck, so I can’t participate in said giveaway, but I’m commenting anyways.

My boyfriend and I met online and I’m glad I didn’t have too much experience with it before meeting him. Some people on there are insane, and I would never meet anywhere there wasn’t a heavy police influence.

My favorite online dating message is the standard “Hey you’re hot, wanna meet up and party?”. Really? Try harder. Or better yet, just stop.

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Kristin @ eat healthy. be happy. live well. September 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Just now!

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julie September 24, 2011 at 3:09 pm

hahaha this is why i haven’t signed up for online dating yet. like i just don’t know if i’m ready for a guy to ask me on an ‘adventure’ i feel like an adventure could be the equivalent of a random stranger in a white van telling little kiddies he has candy in his trunk

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Anne September 24, 2011 at 3:10 pm

It would be impossible for me to even recall, its such a nonevent to me. I live alone, no need to keep track

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Claire September 24, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Oh man. I’m a lurker and have yet to comment…so hello.

I know for certain I farted last night while on a walk with my sister.

I love the online dating messages…keep them coming!

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Heidi September 24, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Bahaha!!! I’m SURE I’ve farted more recently, but the last time I remember farting was in yoga class on Tuesday. Oops. I guess all the stretching and downward dogging got to me! 😉

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Tara September 24, 2011 at 5:57 pm

A few hours ago while sitting on the couch watching Dexter with my gf. It was embarrassing, but I’m over it.

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Rach September 24, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Okay, your blog is the bestest. And reading through all the comments I don’t feel so abnormal anymore. Did you know the average farts per day is 14? I think I do that in an hour sometimes… (I blame the apples) Anyway, on the up side, I never burp…

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Eden September 24, 2011 at 6:06 pm

The bestest? Nah.

I the ones about oatmeal are WAY better 😉

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Rach September 25, 2011 at 5:40 am

Oh right! Kinda easy to forgot about that minority group of blogs. Okay, well, in that case… mmmm nope still the best:)

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Kathleen September 24, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Ok just when I thought I couldn’t love you and your blog any more than I already do…you want to talk about farting. funny story actually…I didn’t eat meat for maybe 2 years and just recently decided I wanted to. Well we decided to grill some kielbasa last night and today My body was definitely…adjusting lol…I farted in my sisters van and my entire family was about to pass out. I need to get reading these other comments now so I can laugh till I cry :)

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Eden September 24, 2011 at 9:10 pm

I love kielbasa. So I think that justifies the fart.

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LeighAnne September 24, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Juuuuust now. And now…….and again just now. That is all.

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LeighAnne September 24, 2011 at 7:07 pm

And, p.s., I met my man online, but before him…..oh em gee. Multitude of crazy losers!!!!!

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Ellie September 24, 2011 at 7:53 pm

The last time I farted I was in the library studying some econ, and was sitting by two guys obviously working together on a project. I farted (silently) and pretended nothing happened. All of a sudden, one of the guys (to his study partner) goes “Dude that was majorly nasty!!!” and looked rather discusted at his friend.

I would say I’m a winner :)

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amy September 24, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I actually did the silent but deadly fart about a half hour ago — but i did it while I was in front of a restaurant and then proceeded to go inside.. classy.

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kayla September 24, 2011 at 11:29 pm

you are hilarious! the last time i farted was about 30 minutes ago…and it was a silent one!

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Rachel September 25, 2011 at 5:48 am

I don’t want to enter the giveaway, but I wanted to share my farting story (I haven’t yet this morning, but I feel something brewing). I was opening a package on my living room floor, and let one rip. I didn’t notice anything right away, and I figured my husband was too far away to smell it. All of a sudden he looks up & says to the bambino, “Son, come here. Did you have an accident or are you just tooting?” He very indignantly says “I’m NOT tooting Dad!” This went back & forth for a couple minutes, until I stopped laughing hard enough to tell Jay not to blame him, but it was me stinking up the living room.

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Janetha bean September 25, 2011 at 10:08 am

I love this story!

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Heather September 25, 2011 at 9:19 am

Uh, like when DON’T i fart? I’m ridiculously gassy.
And, I like farting. How much do i like it? I rate my farts on a scale of 1 to 10, based on how relieving they are.
I’ve had very few 10s, but when I do, it’s like an adrenaline rush :)

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Janetha bean September 25, 2011 at 10:15 am

If my comment wins, give that shit to Deb. I hate it. Stevia makes me gassy and it tastes weird. How appropriate though– the gassy part.

I fart all the time. A few times an hour. The worst part is when I do so in my office and then someone comes in to talk to me IMMEDIATELY after.

Marshall can’t believe how much I fart. More than him, for sure, and he has crohns!

My boss and his wife don’t fart in front of each other EVER. How miserable.

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cindylu September 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I’m Mexican. I eat a ton of beans. Do the math.
But, um, really. It was probably last night or when I was running. (At least that was outdoors.)

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Cameo September 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm

The question is, when was the last time I wasn’t mid-fart?

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Katie September 25, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I don’t want to win (so don’t pick me!) because I have a lot of that stuff. A LOT. but I just felt like I needed to tell you that I farted while reading this post.

Also, your hybrid answer was the best ever, I want to give you a hug.

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Katie September 25, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Oh also, I just read the comments and really wanted to tell you that my husband fell in love with me because I farted while lying on his dorm room floor. True story.

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Yvonne September 25, 2011 at 4:59 pm

About an hour ago, on my walk!

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Mary September 25, 2011 at 6:34 pm

I love this, I am also on OKCupid & get equally horrible messages. If you haven’t gotten them yet, you will surely get inquiries from couples & from people with strange fetishes… I’ve had 2 couples & 1 guy with a (very graphic) foot fetish. As for the giveaway, ummmm I don’t do that. ever.

Also, I found you on GOMI & am very happy I did.

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Eden September 25, 2011 at 6:35 pm

You did? They somewhat hate me over there.
OK cupid is the worst! I did Jdate and it was bad, but not as weird as OK cupid.

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Amy September 25, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I just found your blog today, and it’s my new favorite! You’re too funny.

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Brooklyn @ Veggie Table September 26, 2011 at 8:15 am

I just crop dusted the guys in the cubicles on my way from the kitchen back to my desk.

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pam September 26, 2011 at 9:03 am

I fart everyday…lol I always think its funny..

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pam September 26, 2011 at 9:42 am

ps my husband says I fart all the time while I sleep…He doesn’t like to spoon me as I always fart on his leg…lmao

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roserunner September 26, 2011 at 3:40 pm

good god this is hilarious. Had anyone not farted yet today?

Now, are we talking silent and non-smell farts too? Those, in my book, hardly count if there’s no evidence at all that they exist. But I’d say I let one of those go about 20 minutes ago, in my office.

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Eden September 26, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Don’t we all like fart at least 15 times a day or something? I don’ t know where I heard that…but I did.

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sarah (sarah learns) September 26, 2011 at 7:32 pm

i fart a lot. i think it must be more than normal. last time was probably within the past hour.

weird/gross/creepy thing. i think my dog likes how they smell. he comes over and sniffs me then snuggles really close afterwards. haha!

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Eden September 26, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Oh, that dog thing is totally normal. My dog used to come over when I farted. She loved to bask in its glory!

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Kate September 27, 2011 at 7:07 am

umm… five minutes ago? I live by myself so anything goes!

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Jenny September 27, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I don’t care if it’s too late to enter the contest, I had to share this fart story. (I am hoping you will appreciate it more than my boyfriend did.)

Anyone rememeber that show “Home Improvement” with Tim Allen? He had this sound that he would alway make that sounds like a grunting question. http://youtu.be/LehNm4VVqJI Well a few weeks ago, my butt made that same noise. I was literally rolling around on the ground laughing hysterically.

I don’t leave many comments on the blogs I read, but who can pass up talking about ghost turds.

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Gannon September 27, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I’m a student so have -5 minutes per day to make food for myself. I usually end up microwaving kale, adding grain/bean and seasoning etc afterwards then scarf it down. EVERYTIME i microwave it, my roommates say it smells like farts. I mean, it does. So now, I just say that i’m having farts and beans for dinner. Or, leftover curry on some steamed farts. mmmmm, steamed farts.

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lindsey September 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Immediately upon entering my car after work. Gotta try to keep a good impression at work! :)

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Chrissy September 27, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Hmm…like I think I farted during dinner. I blame my gum though. All those fake sweetners are stink bombs in disguise!

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