My “First Grade Problems”

by Eden on December 8, 2011

One of the most overused hashtags on twitter is #firstworldproblems

Its trendy among privileged people to make fun of themselves for being privileged.

Anyhow, I recently saw this parody called “First Grade Problems”. I smirked at the parody, but I can do better. Cause I had my own set of problems when I was in first grade that I think were way more harsh.

So today I present to you my first grade problems:

1) No Money Left From The Tooth Fairy

My parents weren’t cruel, but they were human and I guess they just slept that night instead of slip a dollar under my pillow. Either that or they were too distracted having sex in their bedroom. Probably the later. Anyhow, have evidence! Below is the actual note/complaint letter I left the next night for Ms. Tooth Fairy.

Clearly, I spelled better as a first grader than I do now.

2) Some Kid Farted In The “Mushroom” on “Parachute Day”

I don’t know if its a 90s thing, but the parachute was  (is?) a universally appealing gym class apparatus. Anyhow, in the “Mushroom” exercise, all of us had to obediently pull our handle up and over ourselves to retain a bubble of air in the center. It’s like a little fort, only much more colorful and slightly awesomer.

Unless someone farts in the mushroom.

Who had beans for lunch?!

Yea not so fun.

3) Missing Pieces From The Legos

I wasn’t a tom boy because I had my fair share of barbies, but I loved hot wheels, power tools, and legos. And nothing would ruin my day like not finding a key lego piece to complete my lego castle.

If only a missing lego piece was my biggest problem...

4) The Teacher Took Away My Slap Bracelet

Are they jewelry or a toy? Or better yet, a weapon? It’s tough to say, but one thing was for sure: slap bracelets were a distracting fashion statement. My schools banned them. I cried. I mean, so what if a few kids sliced their wrists open?

I think these need to make a comeback

5) Lame Toy in My Happy Meal

Its very crushing when you want to collect all the Happy Meal (or Burger King kids club thingy) and you keep getting the same toy over and over! Oh well, at least you get awesome food and you have an excellent metabolism so you don’t even care that its greasy.

I couldn't find a picture of me at McDonalds, but you should know I prefer McDonalds!

6) The Fourtune Teller Said “I Have Cooties!”

Some may know them by their alias/alter-ego :Cootie Catchers”. Generations of schoolchildren everywhere have entertained themselves with their origami goodness and fortune-telling powers. The concept behind them was simple, though the construction was nothing short of a marketable skill. Granted, these fortunes were usually less than insightful. Startling accurate though.

And cheaper than the "Psychic Friends Network"

7) Missing Teeth (Rocking the Hobo/Toothless Look)

Often causes an unintentional lisp. See problem #1.

This is why I never show my teeth when I smile these days.

8) I Lost At “Around The World”

Around the World” was a game that was meant to be educational. Teachers used varying rules, but usually whoever made it all the way around the classroom was awarded some sort of prize and tricked into learning multiplication tables.

9) Nap Time

Actually, this isn’t a problem. That’s pretty awesome.


I'm awesome.

There you have it. Its a rather therapeutic to reflect back to the time where little, trivial things were our “problems”. Cause I’d take a kid passing gas in a mushroom parachute over paying my gas bill any day.

Do you have any of your own “first grade problems” you’d like to share? Let’s hear em.



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