My “First Grade Problems”

by Eden on December 8, 2011

One of the most overused hashtags on twitter is #firstworldproblems

Its trendy among privileged people to make fun of themselves for being privileged.

Anyhow, I recently saw this parody called “First Grade Problems”. I smirked at the parody, but I can do better. Cause I had my own set of problems when I was in first grade that I think were way more harsh.

So today I present to you my first grade problems:

1) No Money Left From The Tooth Fairy

My parents weren’t cruel, but they were human and I guess they just slept that night instead of slip a dollar under my pillow. Either that or they were too distracted having sex in their bedroom. Probably the later. Anyhow, have evidence! Below is the actual note/complaint letter I left the next night for Ms. Tooth Fairy.

Clearly, I spelled better as a first grader than I do now.

2) Some Kid Farted In The “Mushroom” on “Parachute Day”

I don’t know if its a 90s thing, but the parachute was  (is?) a universally appealing gym class apparatus. Anyhow, in the “Mushroom” exercise, all of us had to obediently pull our handle up and over ourselves to retain a bubble of air in the center. It’s like a little fort, only much more colorful and slightly awesomer.

Unless someone farts in the mushroom.

Who had beans for lunch?!

Yea not so fun.

3) Missing Pieces From The Legos

I wasn’t a tom boy because I had my fair share of barbies, but I loved hot wheels, power tools, and legos. And nothing would ruin my day like not finding a key lego piece to complete my lego castle.

If only a missing lego piece was my biggest problem...

4) The Teacher Took Away My Slap Bracelet

Are they jewelry or a toy? Or better yet, a weapon? It’s tough to say, but one thing was for sure: slap bracelets were a distracting fashion statement. My schools banned them. I cried. I mean, so what if a few kids sliced their wrists open?

I think these need to make a comeback

5) Lame Toy in My Happy Meal

Its very crushing when you want to collect all the Happy Meal (or Burger King kids club thingy) and you keep getting the same toy over and over! Oh well, at least you get awesome food and you have an excellent metabolism so you don’t even care that its greasy.

I couldn't find a picture of me at McDonalds, but you should know I prefer McDonalds!

6) The Fourtune Teller Said “I Have Cooties!”

Some may know them by their alias/alter-ego :Cootie Catchers”. Generations of schoolchildren everywhere have entertained themselves with their origami goodness and fortune-telling powers. The concept behind them was simple, though the construction was nothing short of a marketable skill. Granted, these fortunes were usually less than insightful. Startling accurate though.

And cheaper than the "Psychic Friends Network"

7) Missing Teeth (Rocking the Hobo/Toothless Look)

Often causes an unintentional lisp. See problem #1.

This is why I never show my teeth when I smile these days.

8) I Lost At “Around The World”

Around the World” was a game that was meant to be educational. Teachers used varying rules, but usually whoever made it all the way around the classroom was awarded some sort of prize and tricked into learning multiplication tables.

9) Nap Time

Actually, this isn’t a problem. That’s pretty awesome.

 

I'm awesome.

There you have it. Its a rather therapeutic to reflect back to the time where little, trivial things were our “problems”. Cause I’d take a kid passing gas in a mushroom parachute over paying my gas bill any day.

Do you have any of your own “first grade problems” you’d like to share? Let’s hear em.

 

I

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Heather December 8, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Weird classroom punishments! In 1st grade, I got the most “red lights” (what the hell? I don’t know, but red light meant bad and green light meant good. Yellow light meant something unidentifiable, like ‘danger zone’, cuz you were one step away from red light) and I got sent to the hallway A LOT. Ugh teachers were always hating on me because I was a genius with ADHD. I secretly liked getting red lights because I liked red better than green, so in my head red was superior. And when I got sent to the hallway, I would just walk into other classrooms. I went an entire hour in the 4th grade class once. I mean, letting me roam around freely isn’t a punishment, but I still knew enough to feel badly about myself for whatever obscure reason the teacher sent me out there in the first place.

I’m not going to talk about the times I had to wear the time-out hat. Which is actually a DUNCE HAT. :( horrible.

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Eden December 9, 2011 at 8:00 am

i thought the dunce hat was a myth. Oh man, are you ok? I’d be scarred for life.

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Heather December 9, 2011 at 5:28 pm

sigh, I was pretty messed up after that. maybe I can blame my eating disorder on the dunce hat trauma. ;)

seriously though, I’m okay! I rocked that ugly hat.

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Nagore December 8, 2011 at 11:57 pm

You were a cutie as a child (i dont mean you aren’t so right now ;)!! ) In primary school I was like a boy, I would play with trucks, legos, football…. but oh, I was so so happy!

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Cammy December 9, 2011 at 3:50 am

When I was about four years old I tripped and fell while playing at the pool, and knocked out a tooth…and since I was still so young, it took it over two years for the adult one to grow in. My “gap years”, I suppose.

I was always smuggling critters (frogs, caterpillars, etc) into the house, and one of my First Grade problems was 1) one of my prizes escaping or 2) finding something that was too much for even my tolerant mother and being forced to release it.

And I *still* love Legos.

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Stephanie December 9, 2011 at 6:34 am

I have to admit that – as a first grade teacher last year – I contributed to the misery of many a child by taking away their Silly Bandz and Pokemon cards. One of the other teachers (same age as me) was muttering about how we didn’t used to bring junk like that to school. All I said was: slap bracelets and pogs. And the discussion was over.

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Lindsey @ Happy or Hungry December 9, 2011 at 7:54 am

hahaha, that tooth fairy letter is the best – “please give me money” haha. So demanding.

Um. the parachute has scarred me for life. We also played with that thing in gym all throughout elementary school and we used to play this cat and mouse game, where the teacher would pick a kid to go on top of the parachute and one to go underneath while everyone hung onto the sides (sounds pretty dangerous now that I think about it). It was my DREAM to be picked, and I never was. I never got to be the cat or mouse once, ever, in my entire elementary school career. I will never forget this. I am so bitter. Now I’ll never have a chance. Stupid gym teachers.

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Eden December 9, 2011 at 7:59 am

I’m a jew, what did you expect? Of course I want money! ;)
I don’t know why, but the parachute amazed me. Come to think of it, its like an atomic bomb of sorts. Like a mushroom cloud. Wow, sorta morbid…

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Paige @ Running Around Normal December 9, 2011 at 8:12 am

omg I LOVED the parachute!
Also, I think this was a second grade problem, but everyone called me MC hammer and laughed at my parachute *pants*

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Eden December 9, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Um, this was a grade school problem in general! hahaha.

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Deb (SmoothieGirlEatsToo) December 9, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Bahaha! I wanna see photos!

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Carly December 9, 2011 at 8:38 am

I went through grade 1 being called Car-wash, Car-dealer, and many other turns on Carly that 6 year old boys thought were funny. I wish I could say all these boys just liked me, but I’m pretty sure they were just cruel with a bad sense of humor. I survived. ;)

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Eden December 9, 2011 at 3:27 pm

car dealer is a good one. you should have started selling/trading hot wheels! I collected them. Most girls collected trolls and stickers, I collected toy cars. I swear I have a vagina by the way.

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Rune December 9, 2011 at 10:03 am

Good lord, Eden. If any of the ‘no sugar’ people turn up, they will die from the pure sweetness that is mini-you.

I remember complaining about homework because I got one piece a week, and that seemed like so much. Then again, I also remember setting myself and my friends homework ‘for fun!’, so we can establish I was a strange child.

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Char @ www.charskitchen.ca December 9, 2011 at 12:53 pm

You’re so cute!! haha, I had many of the same “first-grade problems.” Oh, and they still use those parachutes (I work in public schools). I remember them being a lot of fun, but they rarely brought them out…I wonder if too many kids farted in them? lol

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Jessica @ Stylish Stealthy and Healthy December 9, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I like to make adult-version cootie catchers when I’m drinking among friends. It’s entertainment for hours. (As long as those hours contain more drinking.)
And my biggest 1st grade beef was definitely when my troll dolls got confiscated. The nerve!

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Daniela December 9, 2011 at 4:34 pm

The best thing about Around The World was strategizing when you should lose so that you could sit next to your best friend for the maximum amount of time!

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Cynthia (It All Changes) December 9, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I’m a military brat so I went to 3 different schools for 1st grade. I was “the new girl.” I had a similar name first semester of college…”the girl with the crutches” after spraining my knee the week before school started. I’m “the girl.”

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Cammy December 9, 2011 at 6:06 pm

I had the same deal as a military kid, 8 schools by the time I hit the 6th grade. It builds character, or so I was told! ;)

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Deb (SmoothieGirlEatsToo) December 9, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I see your spelling improved (??it did right? KIDDING haha!) Is that a peace sign in your note to the cheapass tooth fairy? LOVE these old photos- and of COURSE you like Mickey Ds more- it is far, far better!

I LOVED the origami fortune tellers but have no idea what the slit your wrists bracelets are or the fart mushroom in PE. Looks like fun though.

Let’s see first grade problem for me: when my mom couldn’t pick us up from school, so I had to walk the entire 1.1 miles home from school (crazy that I just looked that up on a map this instant and never knew until this moment it was only 1.1 miles…I could have swore it was 5). Oh, and yes, that was back in the day where you could walk alone further than 4 feet without adult supervision. It wasn’t necessarily safe, but we were in la la land about it. So we walked. sigh. At least we had legs.

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Kristina December 10, 2011 at 7:13 am

Haha I remember the mushroom…and the occasional smelliness. Eww.
Snap bracelets were banned at my school, too, it was such a buzzkill.
Love all of these, so many grade school flashbacks…

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Jolene (www.everydayfoodie.ca) December 11, 2011 at 9:46 am

First grade problem – getting my lunch taken away on the bus for getting caught eating chips on there. I got it back later, but I felt like I was soooo bad for getting my lunch taken away and I never forgot it.

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