People like to judge.
We beg them not to, but warning people “don’t judge” is basically an invitation to do so. Since Halloween is coming up, let’s assume that you actually put a whole lot of thought into the type of candy you hand out to kids. And then let’s judge you on it.
I mean, just like sexy costumes, the type of candy you pass out says a lot about you.
Here’s what your candy choices communicate to all those scary, creepy, and perhaps slutty children that will be at your door this year:
Butterscotch and Peppermint Hard Candies
Are you over 80 and shitting in diapers? Save these for waiting rooms and for the the porcelain dishes at the homes of octogenarians.
Raisins (or some other dried fruit)
Ok, even as a kid, I admit I loved prunes. But come the fuck on! Were you out of pennies or something?
King Size Candy Bars
I bet you were the teacher’s pet in school. Now that you’re an adult, you just HAVE to be the neighborhood’s favorite and prove you’re wealthy, don’t you? You want to be the “popular” house: the house where kids from seven suburbs away make their parents drive to your neighborhood so they can score your loot. After all, kids are shallow. They don’t love you, they love your candy. But heed this warning: most parents will hiss at you for trying to make their kids obese and for being such a brown noser.
Homemade Candy, Cookies, and Popcorn Balls
Maybe Martha Stewart is your idol. Maybe you’re a food blogger and this is a “project” for your next post. Whatever the reason, giving out homemade treats is a surefire way to find those treats in the garbage November 1st. Not only do you seem like an over-achiever by the other parents, your handy work won’t even get eaten. Might as well go the Mrs. King-Size-Candy route. Or better yet, just give it to some drunkorexic college students. They won’t eat it anyhow.
You or your husband is a dentist/orthodontist. You should not be allowed to celebrate Halloween if they’re going to get all tooth doctory on us. Complimentary bristles on a stick (as opposed to Milky Ways or Twix) will not encourage us to brush up. Besides, don’t you WANT us to get cavities? Thats more $$$ for you!
Bourbon Balls and/or Liquor Filled Chocolate
You were too lazy to go out and get candy, and this is the closest thing to candy you’ve got laying around the house. You boozer.
You’re pretty much awesome. Retro, yet contemporary at the same time. Plus, you provide a free contraption. And lets not forget, everything tastes better when eaten out of a neck of some character.
Anything you want to add? What candy do you give out on Halloween? Whats the worst thing you ever got?