Foods That Mock Me

by Eden on August 28, 2012

I love food.

I know its hard to believe since I have a terrible history of an eating disorder but I really do love food.

But food, like most things aside from Ryan Gosling, is not perfect.

There are foods out there that make me incredibly pissed and sad. These foods are like that asshole who watched the movie, “Blood Diamond” and still wanted to get some diamond. These foods laugh at the people that fall for them. They mock us just by being digested.  Some are delicious, some are addictive, and some taste like shit but everyone eats anyway.

So I thought I’d reveal my list of these ass-hole foods:


1) Triscuits

Fuck you, Triscuits.

They’re like “Wheat Thins” but not on a diet

I know far too many people that complain to me that they polished off boxes of you and as a result they hate themselves. Look at you, with your addictive saltiness, crunchiness, and all your gluten glory. Stop being so addicting!

I hope they sell this at IKEA because I’m also totally craving meatballs


2) Starbucks

Most people that drink at starbucks baffle me as they usually fall into two categories:

  1. People that are way too skinny and order everything black, sugar free, and disgusting.
  2. People that want to have milkshakes but feel better calling it a frappuccino.
And thats why Starbucks is kind of an asshole yet redeems itself when you’re at the airport and you need caffeine and know better than to wait until you board the plain to have the shit coffee they serve you 10 hours into the flight.
Go, quickly! Before its too late!

3) 100 Calorie Packs

You wanna hear a joke?

Of course you don’t but I’m telling you one anyway.

9-11 pretzels will totally satiate you.

Hilarious, right? I don’t know many non-anorexic people that would be totally satiated after eating one of these packs. When I have a pack, I feel like I need at least two more to get that “snack” satisfaction. I’m also very cross with the 100 calorie packs for messing with Oreos. When I want Oreos, I don’t want a thin brown cracker with white sprinkles. Stop mocking Oreos just because they’re over 100 calories!


4) Frozen Yogurt 

Frozen yogurt is responsible for far too many tummy aches, slim wallets, farts, and shame. The amount of frozen yogurt that I’ve consumed throughout my eating disorder heyday is sickening. How can something so creamy, cold, and addicting be absolutely NOTHING like gelato or ice cream?

Really? That’s like comparing a hand job to sex.


Oh yea, its got less calories.


5) Broccoli

Broccoli has a lot of things going for it:

It’s inexpensive, tasty, healthy, green, looks like a tree….

But, broccoli is the biggest ass hole of all because its so good that I’m always tempted to eat it only to be cursed with 2-4 hours of sounds and smells being emitted from my butt.


Any foods that you feel are mocking you or that you find to be particularly “asshole-ish”? What foods were you/are you addicted to?


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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Susan August 28, 2012 at 6:16 am

Chocolate mocks me because of its price. It would probably be cheaper for me to start smoking. I tried to “cut back” one time a few months ago and eat snacks/meals other than chocolate but my body rebelled and I ended up with high anxiety that only chocolate could alleviate. Durr!

Starbucks mocks me too. I think their brewed store coffee is middle of the road (retail is better), but the plus is that there is one on every flipping corner and they have gift cards. Bam.


umbrellasr4sissies August 28, 2012 at 11:11 am

i totally hear you, Susan. Starbucks mocks me also. it’s the price that does it but the coffees are still killer addicting, their teas are wicked good- but $2 bucks a cup is uggh…especially when you can make the same thing at home for like a quarter of the price.


Cammy August 28, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I actually think Starbucks coffee is really shitty–unless you get the milkshakified version of course. If they had to go be the merits of their brews alone, their market share would plummet.

100 calorie packs annoy me to no end. You know what I do if you give me a packet of 10 pretzels? I eat three+ packets. And so does everyone else. Meanwhile we’re creating a massive amount of extra packaging to end up in landfills because people are too lazy to count their own pretzels out of a regular bag if they are trying to control portions.

Another food that annoys me: baked potatoes, because I love them but inevitably end up taking a bite of the very middle that scorches the hell out of my tongue.


Eden August 28, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Starbucks “milkshakes” are pretty good.

And baked potatoes annoy me because I keep wanting to say,
“Yo, potato: why cant you be chopped up and fried?”


Ellen August 28, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Oh man, I had a boyfriend who taugh me the joy of triscuits with butter. I know.
Actually I suppose butter mocks me in its deliciousness.
Reddi-whip too. I can go through a can in an evening, easy. I know I am filling myself with chemicals, but I love that stuff.


Cion September 8, 2012 at 12:39 am

Butter, man.

Fucking butter.


Gillian August 28, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Those Oreo thins are a fucking disgrace.


Cion September 8, 2012 at 12:43 am

You know what chaps my ass?

Fucking grilled cheese sandwiches. What in the actual fuck am I supposed to do about these assholes? They sit there, all crispy-yet-unctuous, golden and seductive, daring me… daring me… pushing me into a white-hot rage of NOMS.


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