The food industry constantly tries to evolve and be better and more over the top than before.
Kind of like Lady-Gaga only slightly less “WTF-inducing”.
But I think its time the food industry tone it down and get back to simplicity. Whatever happened to eating plain salted potato chips or tacos that don’t have a powdery neon orange shell? Call me a minimalist, but I think its time the following foods calm the fuck down:
1) Ruffles “Ultimate”
According to their press release , Ruffles Ultimate Potato Chips is holding a contest where winner will basically get to eat a shitload of like, jalapeno BBQ ranch beef chips and shit, with, like, a bunch of probably underage chicks from Maxim.
Yes, of course this sounds so awesome.
All you have to do is:
Submit a story about the most epic time you and your bros had together and if your story is selected, Ruffles® Ultimate Potato Chips and Dips will get you and three of your best buddies on a flight, put you up at a hotel, and get you into the legendary Maxim Hot 100 party.
According to Ruffles, “the chips rock twice the size and depth of the ridges in original Ruffles chip,” AND, get this, the chips have “thick, deep ridges” “MAXIM’s world’s most beautiful women.”
Calm the fuck down, Ruffles. No one wants your “Ultimate chips” and having the Maxim girls shove them in someones face is……well…..yea…………..
2) Miller Lite Punch Top Can
Because pushing a tab AND drinking lite beer might cause people to question you manliness Miller light has a solution.
The punch top can.
It’s also supposed to minimize “glug” and make for a “improved, smoother pour”. But the only thing they need to improve on is the taste of that bubbly urine.
3) Doritos Loco Tacos
On paper, this sounds awesome, right?
The problem, of course, is that there is only so much a person can tolerate sober. And these shells have the flavor of cardboard (and I’d know cause I mean, who doesn’t try cardboard at least once in their life, right?).
Is it too much to ask to have a plain, humble, un-fussy, un-powdery, and un-orangey taco shell?
4) Candy Corn Oreo Cookies
Like the Doritos taco, this is yet another failed attempt at making a food hybrid of two separatly awesome things. This time its the classic Oreo cookie and the classic fall confection, candy corn.
The Oreo is so fucking fantastic on its own, why mess with it?
Nabisco, who have finally found a purpose for some of the surplus candy corn in the world: Stuff if inside an Oreo.
I tried one today and yes, they give corn, candy, Oreos, and Halloween a terrible reputation. And If there’s one thing worse than candy corn filling, it’s a vanilla flavored Oreo cookie (dude, its that shit needs to stay chocolate).
What crazy foods do you think need to be simplified and calmed down? What crazy flavored cookie, taco, or chip would you come up with?