The food industry constantly tries to evolve and be better and more over the top than before.
Kind of like Lady-Gaga only slightly less “WTF-inducing”.
But I think its time the food industry tone it down and get back to simplicity. Whatever happened to eating plain salted potato chips or tacos that don’t have a powdery neon orange shell? Call me a minimalist, but I think its time the following foods calm the fuck down:
1) Ruffles “Ultimate”
According to their press release , Ruffles Ultimate Potato Chips is holding a contest where winner will basically get to eat a shitload of like, jalapeno BBQ ranch beef chips and shit, with, like, a bunch of probably underage chicks from Maxim.
Yes, of course this sounds so awesome.
All you have to do is:
Submit a story about the most epic time you and your bros had together and if your story is selected, Ruffles® Ultimate Potato Chips and Dips will get you and three of your best buddies on a flight, put you up at a hotel, and get you into the legendary Maxim Hot 100 party.
According to Ruffles, “the chips rock twice the size and depth of the ridges in original Ruffles chip,” AND, get this, the chips have “thick, deep ridges” “MAXIM’s world’s most beautiful women.”
Calm the fuck down, Ruffles. No one wants your “Ultimate chips” and having the Maxim girls shove them in someones face is……well…..yea…………..
2) Miller Lite Punch Top Can
Because pushing a tab AND drinking lite beer might cause people to question you manliness Miller light has a solution.
The punch top can.
It’s also supposed to minimize “glug” and make for a “improved, smoother pour”. But the only thing they need to improve on is the taste of that bubbly urine.
3) Doritos Loco Tacos
On paper, this sounds awesome, right?
The problem, of course, is that there is only so much a person can tolerate sober. And these shells have the flavor of cardboard (and I’d know cause I mean, who doesn’t try cardboard at least once in their life, right?).
Is it too much to ask to have a plain, humble, un-fussy, un-powdery, and un-orangey taco shell?
4) Candy Corn Oreo Cookies
Like the Doritos taco, this is yet another failed attempt at making a food hybrid of two separatly awesome things. This time its the classic Oreo cookie and the classic fall confection, candy corn.
The Oreo is so fucking fantastic on its own, why mess with it?
Nabisco, who have finally found a purpose for some of the surplus candy corn in the world: Stuff if inside an Oreo.
I tried one today and yes, they give corn, candy, Oreos, and Halloween a terrible reputation. And If there’s one thing worse than candy corn filling, it’s a vanilla flavored Oreo cookie (dude, its that shit needs to stay chocolate).
What crazy foods do you think need to be simplified and calmed down? What crazy flavored cookie, taco, or chip would you come up with?
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Holy shit- candy corn Oreos?! Is that even necessary? They must be running out of ideas over there at the Oreo headquarters. Sometimes the original is the best- I agree.
Its totally not necessary. Oreos had a great original idea to begin with. I think there was so much candy corn left uneaten last year that they recycled them into this.
those oreos look disgusting. and make my teeth hurt.
we need to chill out on adding desserts with pizza. Pizza is bad enough, I don’t need cinnamon breadsticks or cookies or cake or whatever other crazy food you want to pair with it. Just give me some wings and let’s call it a day.
i want cheese sticks with tomato sauce on the side along with my pizza…oh…wait.
So true. Doritos “Jacked” too. I don’t even understand the claim these intensely-labeled foods are trying to make. I feel like they’re yelling at me.
Ewwwwww candy corn Oreos!!?? Candy corn is disgusting enough on it’s own. I don’t know anyone who likes the stuff … we would all toss it as kids when we got it in our Halloween bags.
I disagree. The dorrito tacos aren’t too bad. It’s just a spin off of the “taco in a bag” crap we Americans invented. We actually ave “taco in a bag” day at work. The thrills! It’s good crappy food. Not bad crappy food.
cuz its “like a salad”.
I love Doritos, but for some reason, these taco shells taste nothing like doritos to me.
Did you close your eyes and lick it???
no, does that make it taste better?
Yup. Tacos aren’t necessarily supposed to be licked with enthusiasm, but anything Doritos should be!
i.e. honestly….it’s been a couple of years since ive had a nacho dorrito…sooooo there is a hole in my perspective. :/
Shit. Reply fail. ^
See, you haven’t tried the “doritos taco shell”. I did and I’m sorry I did.
those oreos look so gross
Seeing as my whole “thing” is having trouble eating foods that I had not tried before the age of 12…. I look at most different “exciting” concoctions as challenges.
But this specific overloaded food fad makes me go cross-eyed. I spent a good five minutes staring at a shelf tonight trying to find regular old wheat thins or triscuits. Either one! Since when did each come in zesty jalapeno, chicken filet, cool ranch, etc. They’re fricken crackers. Calm down! No food is safe from this weird “over the top, jam packed” fad. I feel like simple foods are getting plastic surgery!
I think the same overload happened with reality tv. What ever happened to “The Real World” where it was just people doing nothing in a house? Now we’ve got fucking white trash toddlers competing in pageants.
Man, I love candy corn, and I live Oreos, but I feel no need to flavor one with the other.
I too tend to prefer simple flavors. Straight up plain wheat bread and butter is still the best food on earth in my opinion.
My tongue is blistering just from the thought of that sweet candy corn oreo. Oreos are super sweet enough already!
Bubbly urine…eeeeeew.
I would totally eat that taco though!
“Calm the fuck down Ruffles”
Best line of this post.
I had a friend with a cat name “Ruffles”, sounds like something she’d say to him.
Wha…..why would ANYONE desecrate the amazingness that is candy corn by bastardizing it with oreos? Also, why would anyone make ANY changes to an oreo? It’s like…two of nature’s most perfect junk foods…why would anyone even waste their time trying to change them???
Silliness.
I feel about potato chips in general that God revealed to us a food that approaches divine perfection: a fried symphony of potato, fat, and salt; an Ode to Joy of starch.
Why would anyone fuck with that formula? Please to be keeping yer damn hot mesquite buffalo sour cream blast offa my taters.
It’s by far the minority opinion, but I like simple ice cream flavors the best too. Vanilla, dulce de leche, peach. I don’t understand the appeal of throwing everything in the bowl. You! Chubby Hubby! With your flavor-hoarding problem!