I sometimes ponder to myself how I EVER had an exercise addiction. How did I manage to haul my lazy ass-less ass to the germ-infused gym for so many hours and not contract some sort of STD?!
How the fuck did this happen?
Because the truth is, exercising can also be a little scary. There are tons of fitness blogs that will try to convince you otherwise (and I’m prepared for the hate mail I’ll receive), but trust me, it can do some crazy ass shit.
Not good shit. Bad shit.
Examples? I’ll give em to ya:
You Become A Sweat Fountain: Over exercise, and you might constantly look like there is a localized rainfall around your body. There actually is science behind this. As you increase your exercise intensity and duration, you condition your body to be better prepared for nazi athletic punishment. So even a little exercise an you’ll become a sweat fountain. A mere walk up the stairs and your body will go:
“Really, Eden!? Another stair-a-thon?! Oh well we better cool you off pronto by making your body look like its crying!”.
And no amount of deodorant will cover up that stink bomb.
Body Parts Will Go On Strike and Get Ugly: I’m sure 99.9% of you do exercise cause you want to look hot. Don’t be in denial. No one honestly loves spinning. They love feeling skinny and that’s what spinning might do to them. To each his own. Anyhow, you may think you look great in a bathing suit, but the truth is, if you overexercise, some body parts will go:
“Eff you, bitch! I’m being abused and I will get ugly!”
Oh, yes they will.
Exhibit A: Feet- Go ahead and burn your sandals/flip flops because the sight of your toes will look scarier than a Kim Kardashian sex tape.
Manicurists will totally talk shit about your toes in a language you won’t understand. Actually, you might have no toenails at all. Your feet will be calloused, smelly, and they call it “athletes foot” for a reason. Think about it…
Exhibit B: Nipples- God, I hate that word! I’m not saying “nipples”, I’m saying “utters”. Anyhow, girls get some leeway here since most sports bras wick away moisture. But when men sweat, they leave behind a layer of salt around their “utters” . And that combined with utters rubbing against a shirt….anyhow, you end up with bloody utters! Now that, is scary, ugly shit that cows will so not be jealous of!
Exhibit C: Chafing- Because nothing is as attractive and classy as a rash that resembles something you contract on a safari between your thighs.
You Reproductive System Will Hate You: For the three guys that read my blog, engaging in sustained physical effort cause your genitals to shrink. I know, I think this is why Cheryl Crow broke up with Lance Armstrong.
Ladies: Too much exercise and you period will scram. And that sounds like a dream and all, but you period is kind of important. Your bones will become brittle and more prone to fractures so you REALLY won’t be able to exercise.
But all in all, I guess being skinny, brittle, hairless and unable to become pregnant makes you a real catch for the douche population.
So there, I found an exercise silver lining after all!
Did I miss a side effect?
And maybe your sick of my little socca kick from last week. But tough shit cause I have a bag hanging around and I’m gonna use it up because I’m a cheap Jew that can’t throw away food, dammit!
For the “Garlic Bread Socca” you will need:
- 1 cup chickpea flour
- 1 cup water
- 3 cloves finely minced garlic
- 3/4 teaspoon sea salt
- 1/8 teaspoon thyme
- 1/2 tbs dried oregano
- 2 tsp dried basil
- 2 tablespoons olive oil