Selfies are basically modern self-portraits.
With the internet making sharing pictures so accessible, posting all these self portraits for others to visually consume can seem vain, narcissistic, and self indulgent (dare I say, “selfie indulgent”, and yes, I realize that’s a terrible joke).
Hence it’s really easy for just about any selfie to become really obnoxious. So I’ve written out some guidelines that I think may help for those those times you want to be “selfie-indulgent”.
1) Don’t try to be anything you’re not:
Don’t try to make your lips look bigger by going the duck-lips route.
No fake sleeping, no fake waking up (seriously, we know you don’t look THAT good first thing in the morning).
If you’re already going the route of taking a picture of yourSELF, stay true to the “self” part of “selfie” and truly be yourself.
So only do duck lips if you’re actually a duck.
2) Post in moderation
Think of selfies as some kind of artery clogging, sugar coated, deep fried, gluten filled dessert. Moderation is key.
Nothing will sky-rocket your ruin your selfie reputation faster than having every post of yours be a selfie. The farther spread out they are, the better.
3) No Car Selfies
First of all, are you really driving AND taking a selfie? I thought texting and driving was dangerous!
Second, is taking a picture of yourself so important that very moment? You just couldn’t wait to get to your destination? You looked just so freaking perfect in your seat belt that you had to capture en route?!
I dunno, good luck with that car accident you might get into. Hope you have good insurance.
(of course this rule does not apply if you’re a cat)
4) Don’t over-think it
Take selfies (and most things on social media) with a grain of salt.
Don’t take it too seriously. Don’t spend hours trying to look perfect, capturing the right light at the best angle. And take one or two, not 20. The more selfies you attempt to take in one sitting, the dumber you look. Just take the damn picture and move on with your day!
5) No lame captions fishing for compliments
Stop with the “#nomakeup” or “ I’m sooooo ugly lol!”.
6) Animals can make it better
A cute dog, cat, or even a panda in a selfie will automatically make your selfie 10 times less obnoxious. Trust me, it’s been clinically proven!
7) No “Post-Workout” Selfie
OK! We get it! You’re in shape and stuff.
No need to double brag about how great you look AND how you took a spin class.
Newsflash: you can workout without having to tell everyone on social media about it. Trust me, nobody cares about your workout. NOBODY!
8) Ditch Hashtags
I don’t care if it’s #blessed, #sick, or #pizza, hashtags in general are obnoxious.
9) No selfies using a mirror
If your camera phone doesn’t have the front facing camera feature, find a friend and have them take it for you. I don’t need to see your phone while you face a bathroom mirror. I’ll naturally judge how clean your bathroom is.
Unless you’re an animal, of course.
10) Break The Rules
It actually doesn’t matter what I think of your selfie (and seriously, who am I to really judge? I took a selfie 4 hours after my mastectomy last month).
It can be as obnoxious as you want. The one cool thing about selfies is that it’s a slight glimmer of hope that the person posting it has some ounce of confidence. Of course no one should be over-confident, but in this day and age where there’s so much self-hatred and self esteem issues, some confidence might do us some good. I’ve struggled for years hating myself and my body to the point where I was physically and emotionally emaciated.
So hey, if you feel particularly beautiful and #blessed, even in your car or bathroom, go ahead, post that selfie.
Just please, not while you drive (Kardashians included).