I sat in traffic today and saw a billboard for a new Disney movie and this thought came to me:

Is there an animated Disney movie that features a heroine with two parents who are alive and present in the main character’s life for the entire movie?

So I guess I’m a Disney character now.

And then this thought came to me:

You should write a post about which Disney character you should become.

So here goes nothing:

Snow White

I’m sorry, if you like her, but I think Snow White is obnoxious.

She lives with seven dudes and basically their slave even though she’s 13 times their size; cleaning their shit, making them blueberry pie, probably preforming sexual favors ( I think Disney had to cut that part out). And how can we ignore that voice of a five year old!

No wonder that queen hated her so much.

I’d shove an apple in her throat  and put her on a spit like a pig at a luau. Anyhow, there’s no way in hell I’d be Snow White. I’m not that submissive and I went through puberty.

 

Princess Jasmine

As much as I love the movie, I’d rather be Ursula from the Little Mermaid with her purple skin and jiggley arms than Princess Jasmine.

She resembles a Disney version of Kim Kardashian.

Spoiled, whiny, small waist, ample bum, expecting men to drool over her etc… Good formula for a reality show but not me at all (except the part about expecting men to drool over me, I know I have that effect!).

 

 

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty had it fucking made!

All she did was sleep and the handsome prince still fell in love with her. She was never abused by evil step-parents (she had those three granny fairies at her disposal), she never had to compete with some other pretty princess for the prince’s attention, and the only harm she had was a teeny prick on her finger which I’m sure wasn’t as painful as those blood glucose checks.

 

Belle

Belle is probably the only Disney princess that resembles me.

No mother for most of her life.

Her dad gets sick.

She talks to furniture.

She likes baguettes (I can’t confirm this but she’s French so I’m gonna run with this assumption).

The one thing I don’t really have in common with her is that she’s a “book nerd” or whatever.

I like that she isn’t shaken by the Beast’s intense appearance or douche baggery, but wants only to save her father. If only I can turn dogs into handsome men.

sigh…..

 

 

So I’m a mixture of Belle and some old maid:

Single, worrying about my sick dad, and talking to furniture.

I am SO a Disney Princess!

 

Which Disney character do you resemble the most? Which is your favorite/least favorite?

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